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  • #31
    I have some corrections on Elise's story. Sorry for the long list, I tried to only choose the non-nitpick ones. Please feel free to tell me to shut up if I overdo it...

    Page 25:
    Meril eyed Elise from head to toe.

    Page 27:
    Hector frowned at the comment, and Meril... (Add comma)

    "I told your mother that I would help her fit in, Meril." (Or no name at all- in between commas looks like Meril is mom's name).

    Page 52:
    middle of the room; her mother...

    inside. "So she was sick!" (Or without quotes).

    Page 67:
    door slide closed.

    Page 75:
    father, whose surname was

    Page 76:
    a child, and we both doted on her and kept...


    Page 80:

    The light shone brightly, wrapping itself around Annalise (who now appeared to be glowing) and bathing her in a warmth that made her feel like she was being hugged protectively.

    Grammatically correct, but still a run-on sentence, or:

    The light shone brightly. It wrapped itself around Annalise, who now appeared to be glowing, and bathed her in a warmth that made her feel like she was being hugged, protectively.

    The light shone brightly, wrapping itself around Annalise, who now appeared to be glowing. It bathed her in a warmth that made her feel like she was being hugged protectively.

    Page 81:
    "It's okay, it's okay....
    Or "It's okay. It's okay...

    shop there, and you'll meet all sorts of fellows, and some...

    Or

    shop there, and you'll meet all sorts of fellows. Some of those fellows (page 81) might even...

    Page 84:

    it also hampers

    Or

    It reduces paperwork, but also...

    people who, in my opinion,

    Comment


    • #32
      ChristineMoon thanks! I've just gotten to making this list of corrections. You will see the changes the next time we update Timecrest.

      Comment


      • #33
        I'm traveling across Chapter 9, and it describes Lyall as a small fishing village in Valdor. Should it be a small farming village? (I know mom served Ash fish during the visit, but there's more talk of farming, locally grown nepig, etc).

        Comment


        • #34
          Minor one- Chapter 9, Ash is leaving Aion, Roger says "did you see Master Chronos?" (His) eyes look hopeful.

          Comment


          • #35
            Thanks, ChristineMoon! Good catches and fixed. The changes will appear with our next update.

            Comment


            • #36
              Chapter 9, after the fire, about AC.

              He can't (possibly) be saying that ... was somehow involved in his memories...

              Comment


              • The Crab
                The Crab commented
                Editing a comment
                Thanks this is fixed and will be reflected in the next update!

            • #37
              Chapter 8? "That's true. Ezra is the first Mage and, albeit Chronos is a prodigy, but he was just a teenager when facing against Ezra."

              odd use of albeit (means although, but usually with comparison and never following and), an unnecessary but in there, missing word after facing.

              some possible choices:

              That's true. Ezra is the first Mage and although Chronos is a prodigy, he was just a teenager when (facing off against/ challenging/ fighting with) Ezra.

              That's true. Ezra is the first Mage. Chronos is an unprecedented, albeit teenage, prodigy but was nowhere near as strong when they faced off.

              That's true. Although Chronos is a prodigy, he was just a teenager when challenging the First Mage Ezra.

              Comment


              • ChristineMoon
                ChristineMoon commented
                Editing a comment
                And by all means, let me know if you want me to offer suggested rewrites. There was a time I dreamed of being an editor. Then life happened.

              • The Crab
                The Crab commented
                Editing a comment
                Great edit! When we used the word "albeit" we thought it was strange too, but it slipped through our editing. I've fixed it and it will be reflected in the next update.

            • #38
              I found two. One is on Chapter 8 while talking to Ash. "I'll tell warn AC next time I see him." And next is in Chapter 1 when talking to ash and he has the Levitas tome (not sure if this happens for Gravitas though) "... I wanted to see if reading this tome would give me clues on learniing that spell." Just have an extra i in ing.
              Thank you,
              Ren
              Perception is key... How do you perceive what you know?

              Comment


              • The Crab
                The Crab commented
                Editing a comment
                AngelRen Thanks for catching these! They have been fixed and will be reflected in the next update.

            • #39
              Here are a few more. And hey, if you need someone to edit part 3 when you're ready... 😉

              Chapter 1:

              Pups are not (supposed) to return to the Guild Bank...

              Riley: I (bound) the pouch of your pocket watch....

              I'm telling her Master Chronos (may be) somewhere at Timecrest right now though. (You can add a comma before though, but it's not necessary).

              Chapter 5: (Asura)

              But I guess now's not the time to let my mind wonder (although Ash could really be wondering, I imagine you mean "let my mind wander").

              (After heading downwards) Okay, I (reached) another platform.

              Chapter 6:

              (Talking to Chronos) when I was young I (liked) to create...

              Chapter 7:

              The door was adorned (with) glyphs and symbols that gave off an eerie glow.

              Chapter 8:

              LSD club: Unfortunately, we can't not make exceptions(,) even for new members. (Should be can't or cannot)

              Chapter 9:

              (Windsorhowl, to guard) "Is being your friend enough to care?" implies that she wants to be friends. Perhaps it should be "is being a friend of Arnault's...", or "is knowing Arnault enough...", or "is knowing your friend Arnault..." It would explain why he stammers.

              (Timecrest) a certain flower, (a) Royal Valdorian flower(,) that is.

              I'm telling Roger that Riley isn't someone who (would) just evacuate...

              Riley:

              (Page 3, bottom) Ash has (a) pure, good heart.

              Ezra:

              (Page 76) with Grannen, (whose) territory is...

              Comment


              • ChristineMoon
                ChristineMoon commented
                Editing a comment
                Would screenshots be easier than text?

              • The Crab
                The Crab commented
                Editing a comment
                ChristineMoon Thanks so much for this list. The changes will appear in the next update.

                Either text or text and screenshot would be preferred. Sometimes when it's only a screenshot, it's hard to notice what is wrong.

              • ChristineMoon
                ChristineMoon commented
                Editing a comment
                Always glad to help, Sneaky. I will continue with text as necessary.
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